Its Always Been You
by benjji2795
Summary: Connor struggles as Jude finds a boyfriend, still unable to confess his real feelings for Jude. Jude finds love, but as things turn out, he may not be the great guy he seemed to be. Will they realize they've always been meant for each other? Or is Connor still too scared to tell Jude?


_Funny how if you ignore your feelings for someone long enough, you pay the price of watching them be happy with someone else,_ Connor thought bitterly. A price, Connor was finding, that was far too steep. A price that included his stomach turning over every time he saw them together. A price that included his heart sinking every time he laid his head on his boyfriend Jackson's shoulder. A price that included realizing he was in love with Jude. A price that included Jude being in love with someone else.

For a month and a half, and Connor had soldiered on, pretending everything was okay, even though his heart was shattered inside. He and Jude had really stopped hanging out because Jude always had a date or asked if Jackson could come along. He tried to act like he was okay, like he didn't miss Jude. But the last two weeks, after Jude had moved out of the apartment they had shared since freshman year, things had started unraveling, and fast. It started when Connor went to a party hoping that it would take his mind off missing Jude, which led to a one night stand, which then turned into another party and another one night stand, which rapidly evolved into no parties, no one night stands, just Connor drinking in his apartment alone, and doing nothing else. He hadn't gone to class in three days, and he hadn't even left the apartment except to buy more alcohol. Connor knew he needed help, and the only person he thought could was Jude.

"J—Jude it's Connor. I need help—I need your help. Please come." That was the message he left on Jude's voicemail at 11:30 PM. Connor highly doubted Jude would come. Jackson was his whole world now, and that meant there was no room for him. So Connor grabbed the bottle of vodka and chugged, trying to drink away the pain of being forgotten, of being replaced.

Jude woke up to his phone ringing. It was late, and he was lying in bed with Jackson, who was sound asleep. Jude chuckled, Jackson was the heaviest sleeper he'd ever met, save for Connor. He lost too much time with his laughter, so by the time he'd picked up his phone, it had already gone to voicemail. He put the phone up to his ear, listening the message, and quickly got out of bed. Connor said he needed his help, and Jude was on his way. Connor had been his best friend since they were 12, and when Connor said he needed help, Jude would drop anything and everything to come to his side. He left Jackson, still asleep and hurried off to Connor's apartment. Jackson definitely wouldn't be happy. He seemed to get upset anytime Jude mentioned Connor anymore, not that Jude could stop himself from talking about Connor

Jude arrived at midnight, not even bothering to knock, but rather using the spare key and letting himself in.

"Wha—what'r you doin' here Jude." Connor slurred, having gotten drunk enough in the last half hour to forget that he had called Jude.

"You called me, remember?" Jude replied. Connor giggled.

"Oh, that's right, I did."

"You said you needed my help Connor." Jude said, irritated that Connor appeared to have just drunk dialed him. That tone broke through Connor's alcohol-induced haze, within seconds reducing him to a blubbering mess, completely incapable of communicating, except with whines and choked sobs. Jude gingerly sat down next to Connor.

"Connor, what's wrong?" Jude asked, only getting more cries and sniffles in response. "Connor please just talk to me." he implored, and instead of talking, Connor just threw himself onto Jude, burying his head into Jude's chest and crying harder than before. Jude wrapped his arms around his best friend, and for a moment, that seemed to calm Connor down, but it was only a moment, because Jude's phone rang, sending Connor into another fit of hysterics. Connor knew it was Jackson's ringer, and he expected that Jude would answer and immediately ignore him. But Jude ignored the call, deciding that Connor was more important. Jackson would still be there in the morning, but Jude wouldn't be here for Connor then, at least he didn't expect he would be.

His phone rang again, which irritated Jude. Jackson had changed a lot recently. He had been the sweetest, most caring guy had ever met (short of Connor, but Connor wasn't gay, that was different). But now he was getting so controlling and it was starting to really bother Jude. It started when Jude had moved in with Jackson two weeks ago. One day he had innocently told him he was going to the library, because he needed to study. Jackson had argued with him, asserting that he could study in the apartment and that he didn't need to go to the library. Jude wasn't being 100% truthful about _why_ he was going to the library, feeling that he needed some time alone since Jackson always seemed to be on top of him in the apartment. After a long discussion, Jackson finally relented, letting him go, but Jude could've sworn he saw Jackson following him.

Next, Jackson had started to get really controlling about who Jude could see, not that Jude thought that was any of his business. He was allowed to have a life outside of Jackson, that was healthy he argued. Jackson didn't seem to see his side of things though, insisting that the only person Jude needed in his life was him. _Wasn't his love enough_ , he had asked. That was just this afternoon, and the warning bells were starting to go off in Jude's head.

"Can't talk right now I'm busy Jackson!" he barked, hanging up immediately. Jackson had to understand that his friends were important too. And besides, he needed to trust him. Trust, that seemed to be what Jackson was lacking so much lately. "I'm sorry about that Connor, Jacks—" He said, starting to apologize to Connor for his outburst, when his phone rang for the third time, and now he pulled away from Connor, walking into his bedroom to take the call. He had to confront Jackson about this once and for all.

"You mind telling me what the hell is going on Jude?" Jackson demanded.

"It's really none of your business Jackson. You need to trust me, and let me take care of this. I'll be home before morning." Jude calmly explained.

"Does this have something to do with that Connor guy?"

"I already told you, it's none of your business." Jude growled. "God Jackson, you've been so controlling lately. You always need to know where I am, who I'm with, what we're doing. You don't need to know every detail of my life Jackson, I am still my own person!" he continued, his voice getting louder as he felt his anger at Jackson rising.

"I'm only doing it because I love you!" Jackson exclaimed.

"No, Jackson, if you loved me, you'd let me have a life outside of you. Completely depending on one person isn't healthy!"

"Wait, so now you're saying I don't love you?" Jude flinched at those words, he hadn't meant to say it that way, as if Jackson actually didn't love him

"I—look I'm sorry I didn't mean it that way." he said quietly.

"Yeah you better be sorry, especially if you're with Connor." Jackson said menacingly.

"And what the fuck is that supposed to mean Jackson?" he shot back, another apology dying on his lips.

"I mean how am I supposed to feel that you got out of bed at 11:30 to go attend to a guy who's a mess cause he can't get over you?" Jackson yelled.

"You have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Connor's straight, he's not into me." Jude argued. "Besides I got over him a long time ago. Can't you just trust me?"

"Wow Jude, you're just stupid if you think that he's not into you." Jude flinched. _Stupid_. That was another thing Jackson seemed to be doing a lot of lately. Calling him names and insulting him. It reminded him far too much of the abuse he used to get from his days in the foster care system.

"Jackson, stop it!" Jude screamed, painful memories flashing across his brain and tears starting to fall from his eyes as it started to become clearer what was really happening with Jackson.

"No, you really are stupid if you can't see the way Connor looks at you. Maybe he's straight, but not when it comes to you, Jude."

"I didn't notice because I had my eyes on you! Maybe that was a mistake if you're just going to call me stupid and try to control my life." Jude said, his tears now turning into full on sobs.

"So you're saying that dating me was a mistake now?!"

"This Jackson I've been seeing lately isn't the Jackson I fell in love with! You've changed so much I don't even know you!" Jude spluttered.

"Fine you know what, have fun taking care of that alcoholic bastard. It's obvious that you love him more than you do me. I'm done with you!" Jackson screamed, hanging up. Jude dropped his phone, burying his head in his hands and falling to his knees.

"Jude, what's goin' on?" Connor asked, words still running together from the alcohol. Jude didn't say anything, walking past Connor into the kitchen, opening and closing the cupboards, looking for something, anything to take away the pain of the things Jackson had said to him, the pain of what Jackson had been doing to him, the pain that it was now over because despite all of that, Jude still loved him. He found what he was looking for, a bottle of tequila, about 1/3 full, and took it, drinking the whole thing, before collapsing on the couch. Connor, taking one look at the bottle in his hand, the look on his face, and remembering the bit of the conversation he'd heard, knew exactly what had happened. Feeling a little more sober than he had 5 minutes ago, and his own troubles forgotten, Connor immediately went over to Jude, who didn't hesitate to throw himself at Connor.

"I thought he loved me." he sobbed, his head on Connor's shoulder. "He's been controlling my life, taking away my friends. He yelled at me, he called me stupid, he called you an alcoholic bastard. I just—" he continued, finally losing his ability to speak to his sobs.

"Shh, it's okay." Connor murmured, even though it wasn't. On the inside, Connor was seething. Jackson could make a jab at him, he didn't care because frankly, what he said wasn't that far from the truth. But controlling Jude and calling him stupid, that went too far. If not for the boy sobbing in his arms, Connor would have walked right out the door and found Jackson so he could punch him in the face. But now, Jude needed him, and Connor wasn't going anywhere.

Gently picking Jude up, Connor took him and carried him to his bedroom. The other room in the apartment didn't have a bed, so Jude would have to take his for the night. He carefully laid him down, tossing a blanket over him before turning towards the door.

"Connor where are you going?" Jude said softly, his words barely understandable, the tequila beginning to take over him.

"Jude, I can't." Connor said sadly, walking out and laying down on the couch. Connor wasn't sure he was ready for all the emotions that came with having Jude cuddled up to him in his arms. After a moment though, he could hear breathing from in front of his face. Jude had gotten up and followed him to the couch.

"Connor, please." giving him a look that Connor knew he couldn't refuse. He slowly got up, following Jude to the bedroom. He also knew this was a bad idea. As miserable as he was when Jude was dating Jackson, he didn't know if he was ready to follow through on his feelings for Jude. But tonight, he climbed into the bed, and Jude snuggling up next to him, still gently crying.

Connor awoke that morning to a still slumbering Jude, peaceful, and the pain of last night all but forgotten while he was asleep. Connor sighed. Today was not going to be a fun day for Jude. They had broken up, that was certain, and that meant that Jude would have to go over to Jackson's to get his things. Jude moved, shifting closer into Connor, turning up his head to look him in the face. As soon as he did, he began crying, Connor assumed, because in his half-awake state, Jude had thought he was Jackson. He was right. Jude had just woke up, not remembering the events of last night, and unable to see, assumed that he was in bed with Jackson, like he had been for the past two weeks. But seeing Connor's face instead of Jackson's reminded him of what happened. There was no doubt in Jude's mind that breaking up was the right thing. But that didn't make it hurt any less. So instead of moving to shift away from Connor, he buried his head into Connor's shoulder, feeling more comforted and safer than he ever felt in Jackson's arms. Meanwhile, Connor tightened his grip on Jude, trying to think about comforting him, and not about how good it felt to finally hold Jude in his arms like he had wanted to for so many years. As he held Jude, he realized that there was no way he was letting Jude go to Jackson's by himself—if at all—to get his stuff.

"Jude?" Connor said softly. Jude didn't respond, just continuing to cry into his shoulder. The doorbell rang and Connor groaned. He knew exactly who this was going to be. "Jude, I need to go answer that. Just stay here, okay?"

Connor carefully extracted himself from Jude, getting up and padding to the door, swinging it open to reveal just who he expected to see. _Jackson_. Connor had to resist the urge to deck him right there, his anger not forgotten.

"Get out of here Jackson, he doesn't want to see you." Connor growled. Jackson just laughed.

"You really think I'm here to see that little—"

"Say it. I dare you." Connor interrupted, challenging Jackson through gritted teeth.

"What, you mean calling your precious boy _friend_ a little bitch?" Jackson said, putting an emphasis on friend, still laughing. Connor didn't catch the _friend_ jab, instead losing it when Jackson called Jude a little bitch, uncorking a punch to Jackson's face. Jackson reeled backwards, pulling his hands away from his face to reveal a bloody a nose. Connor smiled a little.

"Don't you dare insult my best friend like that!"

"Ha! Even now when you have the chance, you still can't do anything except deny your feelings for him. I hope he has fun trying to deal with the mess that you are." Jackson said, stilling chortling despite his injury. "All of his stuff is on the curb outside the building." he finished before turning and walking away without another word. Connor waited a moment before stepping out in the hallway and walking out of the building to collect everything of Jude's.

When Connor made it back up to his apartment, he found Jude had moved to the couch, though he was still crying, clutching one of his pillows tightly.

"Uh, Jackson brought by your stuff." Connor said, not sure whether he should mention that or not. When Jude burst into sobs again, it was obvious that he shouldn't have. "I—sorry I shouldn't have said that." He just stood in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do, Jackson's words still ringing in his head. He still couldn't tell Jude how he felt, not that this was any kind of time to be talking about that anyway. Jude needed time to get over Jackson. As he stood, surveying the crying figure on his couch, he decided that he couldn't just stand there and let Jude cry alone, so he walked over, sitting down and placing Jude's head into his lap, stroking his hair and whispering that it was all going to be okay.

It was obvious that Jude was taking the break up hard. It had been three days and Jude hadn't left the apartment, spending most of his time crying on the couch. Connor couldn't quite understand why he was so upset. Jackson was a jack ass, and he treated Jude like shit, or least that's what Connor gathered from the bits and pieces Jude was blubbering out through his tears. Heartbreak was heartbreak he supposed, no matter what the other person was like. Connor had been taking care of Jude, making sure he was eating at least, but now Connor decided it was time for some "tough love".

"Alright Jude. Time to get up, you need to go to class today." Connor said, shaking Jude awake.

"I don't wanna Connor." Jude mumbled, turning away from Connor, or at least he tried to. The couch was narrow. Connor sighed.

"Jude, I know you're still upset, but the best thing to do right now is to get back to normal." Connor explained.

"I don't want to be in class with _him_." Jude spat. Connor ran his hand through his hair, trying to decide whether he wanted to do this.

"Do—do you want me to go with you to class? You know, so you won't have to face him alone?" Connor offered.

"I don't want to face him at all Connor."

"You can't just avoid class the rest of the semester because of him."

"I can try." Jude argued weakly.

"Sorry, not an option Jude." Connor said, standing up and taking the pillow and blanket from Jude.

"Connorrrrrrrr!" he whined.

"I'm making you go to class, even if I have to drag you the whole way. Now come let's go, you can't be late."

The whole car ride to campus, Jude just glared at Connor. _If looks could kill_ , Connor thought chuckling to himself. He pulled up to the building where Jude's classes were, stopping on the curb to drop him off. Jude's glare softened, replaced by a look of anxiety as he looked at the building, then to Connor, then back to the building.

"I—Connor would you?" Jude asked quietly, staring at his hands. Connor just nodded, pulling off to find a parking spot. They got out of the car, walking slowly to Jude's class. Feeling like he needed to give Jude some kind of support other than just walking next to him, Connor slowly extended his hand toward Jude's. Jude didn't hesitate, intertwining his fingers, gripping Connor's hand tightly. Connor smiled, feeling the butterflies fluttering in his stomach. Holding Jude's hand felt good—right if Connor dared to think about it. He could get used to doing this, he thought. His smile faded a little though, remembering the Jude still didn't know about Connor's crush. Well, he didn't think he could call it a crush anymore. A crush was what it was in 7th grade. Now he just loved Jude. Plain and simple. Now if only he could tell him.

They walked in, both refusing to let go and found two seats (on the other side of the room from Jackson). Connor sat down on Jude's right, putting himself between Jude and Jackson. Jude kept his eyes on the on the front of the lecture hall, refusing to even glance in Jackson's direction. Connor though, couldn't resist, and looked over at him, giving a wink. Jackson's jaw dropped, and he just gawked at the two of them. He didn't have to know that it was just a supportive hand hold. Connor was more than fine to let him think whatever he wanted of it.

But the crazy thing was, and Connor didn't know this, but Jude didn't see it that way. After years of waiting, Connor had made something that Jude counted as a first move, and now that Jude felt like he "had" Connor, he couldn't get enough. One hand-hold that morning turned into Jude holding Connor's hand at every opportunity. It was all he dared to try, not wanting to scare Connor off. But there was no doubt in Jude's mind. All this time, when he thought he had gotten over Connor, he had instead just become really skilled at ignoring his feelings, pretending that he didn't wish that Connor liked him back. Now he had a sign, and Jude was going to run with it, success or ruin, it didn't matter. He had to try.

And so it went for a few days. Connor abandoned his classes to come to class with Jude, and they held hands. But nothing else happened. They didn't talk about it, they just did it. Jude was starting to get frustrated with Connor's inaction, not that he didn't expect anything different, not really. He knew Connor was scared, he always had been. All through middle school, Jude suspected that Connor may have liked him more than he let anyone else know. But middle school/high school Jude was impatient, and he got fed up with waiting for Connor to figure it out. So he moved on. Or at least he tried. He dated infrequently in high school, still preferring to spend most of his time with Connor. And up until two months ago, college was more of the same. Jackson was the first guy he'd ever met who he thought liked him as much as he suspected Connor did. Jude shuddered, thinking about just how wrong he was.

Meanwhile, Connor was doing everything he could to summon up the courage to tell Jude. It had been on the tip of his tongue more than once. _I love you_. How did those three words somehow turn into the most difficult thing in the universe to say? And Connor couldn't pretend that he didn't see the frowns that were starting to flicker across Jude's face when he looked at him. He had to do something. Maybe he couldn't tell Jude right out how he felt, but maybe he could take him out somewhere? Connor decided this had to be his new plan, to at least try and buy some time. So that evening, after classes, as they drove back to the apartment, Connor took a different turn, instead heading to his favorite restaurant.

"Connor, where are we going?"

"I thought we might have something other than my horrible cooking for dinner tonight." Connor said, laughing nervously.

"Yeah, it is pretty terrible." Jude retorted.

"Hey! You're not supposed to agree." Connor shouted, faking offense. "Besides, what do _you_ know how to make that isn't pancakes?" He continued. Jude laughed.

"Okay, so it's not _that_ bad." he conceded. And so most of the rest of the ride went. The casual banter back and forth was something that Connor loved about them so much. How easy it was to talk to Jude.

"So Connor, is this like, a date?" Jude asked, bringing the conversation to a screeching halt.

"I—uh—why—what makes you say that?" Connor blithered. Jude paused. Connor's nervousness threw him off guard. He had no idea that Connor was _still_ so uncomfortable with the idea of them dating.

"No reason," he mumbled, staring at Connor. "I just hoped—you know what, forget it Connor." Connor sighed. He had to get over this, and just fucking do something. Jude wasn't going to wait forever, that had already been proven. So slowly, Connor began moving his head up and down, letting the nodding motion say what he couldn't force out of his mouth.

"Wait Connor, are you saying yes?" Jude pressed, observing Connor's nod. Connor nodded again. Jude could feel a goofy grin making its way across his face. _Date_. He was going on a date with Connor. But what was better to Jude was the way Connor seemed to be wearing the same expression he was. Maybe this would be the moment the ice broke for Connor. It was more than he should've dared to hope. But he couldn't help it. It seemed that now, everything was starting to fall into place.

"Pizza Hut?" Jude asked, seeing where they were pulling into.

"Hey, I'm a man of simple tastes." Connor said, defending his choice.

"So I see." Jude replied, giggling. "This certainly will make for quite the first date story." Connor just smiled a little uncomfortably. His nerves were going haywire. Now that he was actually on a date with Jude, he was worried he was going to mess everything up. As they walked up to the restaurant, Connor reached out for Jude's hand, just like he had the first time a few days ago, and as they interlocked fingers, Connor felt his nerves calming a little.

"So I noticed that Jackson had a black eye." Jude said, trying to find a conversation topic. "Wonder who did that?" he asked, genuinely unaware that it had been Connor.

"Yeah, about that—" Connor squeaked out nervously.

"Oh my God Connor, that was you?" Jude exclaimed.

"He called you a—well you don't know what he said. But I had to defend you!" Connor explained.

"Aww, you defended me. That's really cute." Jude said, and on an impulse, leaned over, giving Connor as kiss on the cheek as a thank you. Connor felt his face getting hot and a strange feeling in his chest. But it wasn't bad, in fact it was most incredible thing he'd ever felt before.

"Uh—you're welcome Jude." Connor said with a shy smile.

"Good evening boys, what can I do for you?" The seating hostess asked when they walked inside, Connor still grinning and blushing furiously.

"Table for two." Connor muttered. Jude just watched, taking in Connor's reaction to the events of the last thirty seconds.

"You're adorkable." he whispered, surprised as Connor's blush turned darker than he thought possible. The waiter led them to a booth, clearly designed four, apparently expecting them to sit opposite each other. Refusing to comply, they sat down next to one another, as close as was possible. The waitress was a little stunned by the two.

"Ahem, excuse me, is there a problem?" Jude asked, his look all but daring her to say something negative.

"Uh, no not at all. I'm just surprised that you two are finally on date." she replied.

"W-what?" Connor stuttered weakly.

"You don't know?" she asked. They both shook their heads. "Literally half the campus has been betting on whether you two would go on a date before graduation." she explained, laughing. "I just made $50, so thanks for that!" she finished, turning away and whipping out her phone, Connor assumed, to announce the news.

"I'm an idiot Jude." Connor said, turning to look him in the eye. Jude paused for a second.

"Yeah, pretty much." he said finally with a chuckle.

"I—I don't know why I was so scared." Connor admitted, lowering his head to stare at his lap. Jude reached over, bringing his head back up.

"Are you scared now Connor?"

"No." Connor replied firmly. He wasn't scared, not any more. He had finally got the push he had always needed. Between Jackson, the hand-holding, the nod, the cheek kiss and the waitress, he'd finally seen the signs he'd tried to ignore all along. Now, sitting with Jude, hand in hand, at Jude's side as close as physically possible, this was the place he should've been for years. So finally Connor leaned over and did what he should've done a long time ago, kissing Jude. It was better than anything he'd ever dreamed it would be.

"I love you Jude." he said finally.


End file.
